Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Preparing to meet with the Judge (aka The King)

August 18, 2009

This Friday, after what feels like a life time sentence, I am getting an audience with the judge. I have pleaded my case on my knees more times then I can count, I have filed what I thought was all the appropriate paperwork, I have tried to handle my own case for the most part, only reaching out to others on occasion, asking them to plead with me or give me a word of encouragement, some advice, some hope for my future... But every time I enter the room where the Judge should be, I leave feeling even more empty then when I entered. I have all the rules or guide lines for living in this world, I have tried to read all of them, but I will be honest, I don't always understand them. I have sat in millions of classes to be taught how to walk in freedom, how to be a "freeman" employed in the service of the Judge...the King. Working for and beside Him, instead of being a prisoner under the warden of this world. I have appealed to the Judge for His pardon, His forgiveness, for an early release date. I have been and I am more then willing to work of my debt, but my pleas always seem to be set aside, ignored or forgotten. My daily needs are always met to some level, I have always been kept safe, fed and taken care of...like the stray cat on our front porch…

I get 2 meals a day and a safe place to sleep...with an occasional scratch behind the ear or maybe even played with for a few minutes...but always denied access to the house where life is lived, where there is joy and happiness. Sometimes I sit on the porch step and I can see inside the large front window and someone will look out at me and smile and wave and then they remember that no one has fed me, so one of them will come out with a bowl of food and some fresh water...with the promise of some attention... But then they go back inside and if I am following to closely, I get the shoe and told to stay outside...and then the door is shut... I am fed and I am safe, but am I really happy? Should I venture off the porch? Should I go exploring, looking to see if there is a better life off the porch? What if there isn't anything better, what if I leave the porch and find out that life isn't better out there? Then what if I return only to find out that since I left the family inside the house decided to stop feeding me or worse what if I return to find that there is another stray living in my spot, not welcome on the porch anymore...so I stay safe, but not happy, always longing for and hoping that someday, if I am well behaved I just might get to go inside, to stay...

So back to my appointment on Friday. I found a [lawyer] who has briefly looked over my case and agrees that there is an influence, someone or something blocking my pleas, messing with my case, keeping me from receiving that pardon. It has taken some doing to pull this meeting together, apparently whoever has been blocking my case has the ability to mess with my lawyers schedule as well. Now I sit here somewhat fearful, of the unknown, afraid to have high expectations. My faith in the Judge and His power and ability gives me hope that on Friday I could walk in a captive spirit, bound by chains and walk out a freeman... But then my history or "reality" kicks in and my doubt tells me that this could actually be just the beginning of my appeals process... This could be the meeting that starts the ball rolling, that I could walk out of the meeting feeling the same with only the "hope" a REAL hope but just hope nonetheless that I will be free...sometime, someday, in the future, so "don't give up. I've read your case, your file and now that YOU recognize who or what that captive spirit is, you can start working on removing (it)" I know that the Judge is not blind to my situation, my case, I know without a doubt that He knows all... But He is a gentleman, and has given me the freedom of choice. But having lived all these years not knowing what or why I was captive or kept-ive “kept from His blessings, kept from His call on my life”. I know, without a doubt that I have opened doors that I should not have, that I have allowed evil, the enemy to enter into my life…that I am guilty of the crimes I am accused of. (for we are all sinners…)

But, if I walk away from this meeting on Friday with just the "promise" or confirmation that I will be free... I'm afraid of the disappointment. That would feel like to me like the prisoner with a life sentence who after 40 years of pleading and believing that he was going to be set free "soon", has this meeting and is told "Ok, NOW we can start the process... of course this will require a lot of work, time and patience. This could be as quick as a few days, weeks, months or even years...depending on your behavior and willingness to learn and allow the process to play out. But hey, don't give up, at least now you have official confirmation and a game plan..." I am way too tired, I just don't think I can handle that.

So that is my fear for Friday, I am afraid to get my hopes up and afraid of sabotaging it by not having enough faith in God...

Preparing to meet the Judge. I admit my fears, but I trust the King.

My family

My family